Jun 22, 2011

Bloody Nipples: motivation for the week of June 20th

Original piece by Jessica: $473


If you've taken the time and expended the energy to read about marathon training, create a schedule, stick to the schedule, stay motivated, learn how to hydrate, eat, and stretch, one would think you know about the bloody nipple phenomenon. You've read about running gear and how to keep your man bits from bouncing around too much, presumably gone into a running store and purchased new shoes along the way, but you failed to purchase band-aids to put over your little nip-nips that will be scrapped ruthlessly over 26.2 miles. Up and down, up and down, rub-a-rub-a-rub-rub, nipple versus the world; and it's a cruel world out there for a virginesque nipple.
World, 2
Nipples, annihilated

Model of negligence: This guy was serious, but as you can tell, he is holding back some serious shrills of pain typically reserved for the squealing contestants of RuPaul's Drag Race. The wick away top, Garmin watch and reflective shorts say "let's rock!" (as does his bib # crotch shot) but the red streaks scream " you're a f*cking idiot."

Let's take a moment to ask ourselves why?  This didn't have to happen to you; you were in control of your fate. You had two roads to go down but you said "No, my nipples are warriors. They are righteous nipples, noble nipples, and they will not be struck down by poly-cotton blends. Bunnies are cotton. Bunnies are not warriors. Bunnies cry out and hide at the sight of these nipples for there is no match to their fury. These nipples own you."

This concept is not an enigma. Even The Office depicted the nip rip and the Idiot's Guide book talks about it as well. Clearly idiots aren't reading this book; I think they are marketing to the wrong demographic.

Model of excellence: this guy however, lacking the sweet running gear (and saving $500 in doing so) went all the way. I mean, all (A-L-L) the way. Look at this specimen, his nipples are high on life, leading him down the road to triumph, beckoning his every step forward, chanting a mantra of freedom, breathing sweet, sweet air and radiating motivation, rainbows and pixie dust that will carry his hairy, beefy legs through 26.2 miles.  (I was originally concerned about his uneven tan but it's more of a badge of honor, a display of his genius. Plus it's better than re-sprouting your nipples.)

Let's see some more:

I hate it when my makeup runs

Question: Why didn't you just take off your damn shirt? Did you think that your nipples sobbing streams of red-tears was a better way to keep your honor than your bouncing belly? Please reassess your priorities. Preferably before your next 10K.

WHY THIS IS MOTIVATING: I'm a woman. I wear a sports bra. I don't have this problem. If guys can finish a race with the tips of their nips shredded, I can run 50 miles with happy nipples leading the way like headlights through the fog.
(So I don't get sued: http://www.clipartof.com/portfolio/toons4biz/illustration/bandaid-bandage-mascot-cartoon-character-running-7475.html)

*WARNING: I cannot guarantee the validity of what lies beyond the apparent image of a bloody nipple when doing an image search for "bloody nipple." Click with caution.


  1. The boyfriend did the DC Triathlon this weekend. He laughed at me when I told him to protect those nips. Luckily a 10k wasn't enough to cause too much mayhem.

    Do take some Body Glide to your armpits and inner thighs, though. Just trust me on this.